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Preached in Markham Baptist Church,
July 30, 2006
QUESTIONS TO PONDER ON A LONG SUMMER'S NIGHT...
PART 4: HOW ARE WE TO RESPOND TO GRIEF?
Selected texts from Job
Here’s a question to ponder on a long summer’s night – How
does a Christian respond to grief? You may think that it is a morbid
question to consider during the lazy, fun-filled times of summer. But I
would suggest to you that it this is exactly the time when you should
consider such questions.
The thoughtful
story is told of an awful night in Scotland, when the snow lay deep and the
wind shrieked around a little house in which a good Presbyterian elder lay
dying. His daughter brought the family Bible to his bedside. “Father,” she
said, “do you want me to read a chapter to you?” The elder was in so much
pain that he could only let out a groan. She opened the book and began to
read and then she heard him say, “No, no, lassie, the storm’s up now; I
thatched my house in the calm weather.”1
When our hearts are heavy with grief and our minds are
whirling from life’s tragedies that is not the moment to hand out
explanations, it is not the time for analysis. It is wise to thatch the
house before the storm rises.
And make no mistake the storm will rise. Each of us, if we
haven’t experienced grief already, will very soon. It will come to us all.
It may be through the death of a loved one - which can be the most intense
form of the experience - or it may be through another means. Any time we
lose something of value to us - our health, a job, a pet, a special
relationship, moving from one community to another – can all be times when
we experience feelings of grief.
And learning
how to experience these feelings in healthy ways is one of life’s most
important challenges. Too many people experience grief and, as a result,
they turn away from friends and family and most tragically they turn from
God. You may know people yourself who have had their faith shipwrecked on
the shores of grief and loss. They cannot get over blaming God for their
misfortune and so they turn their backs on Him.
Or you
may know of people who have come through horrendous grief and loss with a
stronger faith and a deeper reliance on God. Janet and I will never forget
a couple in our previous pastorate who experienced the murder of their first
child before his first birthday. It was a difficult time, but we have been
blessed as we have watched these two godly parents come through the grief
experience with a deep faith in God’s steadfast love.
So this is an
important question we must ask and think about how does a Christian
respond to grief?
To help us
answer the question, I would ask you to turn your attention to the book of
Job. There is much to learn from this book – there is the sovereignty of
God, the theology of suffering, but this morning I want to approach it from
one angle only, the management of grief – and think about how one man
experienced what is common to us all.2 I find it amazing that
there are those who claim that the Bible is outside the realm of human
experience. It’s not. You really don’t have to read to carefully to see
that it is filled with very human people and the wonder of it is how God
breaks into the human experience again and again. And the book of Job is a
very human book, filled with wonderful insights about God and the human
condition.
If you are not
familiar with the book of Job, you need to know that it begins by describing
Job as the greatest man among all the people of the East (Job 1:3). Chapter
1:1 tells us that Job is great spiritually so that he is described there as
blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. Verse 2 - he is
great paternally – he has seven sons and three daughters. Verse 3 - he is
great materially - he has seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five
hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and a large number of
servants.
In every way
this is a prosperous man. It isn’t long however before his life filled with
prosperity is filled with adversity. First he is crippled by bankruptcy.
He’s wiped out. Verse 14 tells us that all his oxen and donkeys are carried
off by thieves. Verse 16 tells us that all his sheep are burned up. Verse
17 all of Job’s camels are stolen by Chaldean marauders.
That morning
Job woke up one of the wealthiest men in the world, that night Job went to
bed bankrupt.
But, not only
this but Job is crushed by bereavement. In verses 18 and 19 we see that a
tornado comes and strikes the house in which his children are eating and all
ten of them in one instant are killed.
Then on top of
all this, Job is covered with boils. He can’t sit down, he can’t stand up,
he can’t even lie upon his bed. He tosses and turns and writhes in mortal
agony. He loses his fortune, he has lost his family and now he loses his
health.
Job suffers
great loss and as you read through the book you can see a man going through
the process of grief. I want to identify this for you so that one day, when
you experience the tragedy of loss you will be able to say, this is normal,
it’s okay to be going through this. That’s the thing about grief - when you
are in the midst of it you think you are out of your mind and that all that
you are experiencing isn’t normal. But I want to reassure you that grief is
a process which we all face and, if handled properly, can be healthy and
helpful.
Now,
understand that what we are talking about is often called the “stages of
grief”. This can be a hindrance because we may get to thinking that grief
is something you graduate through, having completed one stage or step, you
go to the next. And that’s not necessarily true. It’s not as clean and neat
as all that. You may experience some of these feelings in the order they
are described. Don’t panic. Know that it is a process. For study purposes
it is simply easier to refer to stages.
Also we need
to know that not all of us will experience the stages of grief in the same
order, nor will we experience them all in the same intensity or even
experience every stage. But I want to go over them because they are common
to us all, Christian and non-Christian alike.
The first
reaction to loss, and Job’s first reaction, is numbed shock. We are told at
the end of chapter 2 at verse 12 that Job’s friends come to visit Job to
console him but – verse 12 - “When they saw him from a distance, they
could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their
robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with
him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because
they saw how great his suffering was.”
No one says a
word; Job doesn’t say a word. Why? Because he’s in shock. This is a
universal first reaction to loss. Hearing about the death of a loved one is
so unbelievable, so contrary to the reality that we are used to that our
minds often cannot comprehend it. We go into a state of shock. We will
neglect everyday normal activities like eating, we will be unable to make
decisions with any kind of clarity. This stage may last for hours, days or
weeks. It can be frightening.
But I want to
reassure you that it is a normal reaction and I would suggest that in many
ways it is a wonderful reaction, because it’s the way God created us. It is
a kind of natural protection that keeps us from facing all at once the full
impact of our loss. It has been described as a time of numbness and it
initially insulates us from the intense feelings that threaten to overwhelm
us. I believe that it is a God given reaction that is built into our
systems.
We are not
meant to stay in this stage, but you don’t need to rush out of it either.
Above all you should not fear it. It is normal. And keep in mind that
while you may be in shock over your circumstances God is not. Psalm 121 –
one of my favorite Psalms – “I lift up my eyes to the hills from where
does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and
earth. He will not let your foot slip. He who watches over you will not
slumber, indeed he who watches over Israel will not slumber or sleep. The
Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun
will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you
from all harm – he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your
coming and going both now and forevermore.”
So when you
are in the midst of shock at your loss, know that God has got you firmly by
the hand. He will not let you go and He has got the situation in hand. When
this shock wears off, we are able to fully grasp the reality of what has
happened and we move on to the next stage.
The next phase
of grief could be described as a time of suffering and disorganization. It
is filled with a whole range of emotions and reactions. For Job it was a
time filled with a lack of hope.
At the
beginning of chapter 3 verse 1 we see that Job wishes he had never been
born. “After this, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his
birth. He said: May the day of my birth perish, and the night it was said,
“A boy is born!” That day – may it turn to darkness; may God above not care
about it; may no light shine upon it.” Then at verse 11 - “Why did
I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?” His sorrow is
so great.
Anyone who has
ever experienced profound loss is very familiar with these feelings. When
it hits you how totally life has changed for you – your loved one is not
there to greet you at breakfast anymore, your friend is no longer going to
meet you after school, your dog is not going to jump when you say the word
walk anymore – there appears to be no hope, no reason for going on, no
possibility that there could ever again be anything worth living for and you
want to say, “Stop the world I want to get off.”
Admittedly, it
may be difficult to focus on anything in this stage but we need to remember
the words of 1 Thessalonians 4:13 that “We do not grieve like the rest of
men, who have no hope.”
While we do
grieve at our loss and it seems like all hope is gone, we need to
remember that all hope is not gone – for Christians believe that “Jesus
died and rose again” (1 Thessalonians 4:14) The grave is empty - we have
a hope in a living Saviour who not only has paved the way to God for us, but
who lives today to be with us in the midst of our grief. The Psalmist says
that when he walks through “the valley of the shadow of death I will fear
no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff they comfort me.”
Jesus Christ
is our rod and our staff, that which is used by our shepherd to ward off all
harm to the sheep. Our hope is in Jesus Christ.
This second
stage is also characterized by overwhelming emotions of fear, of loneliness,
abandonment, and even anger. All of this is accompanied by an inability to
eat, and sleep and lots of tears. Job says in 3:23 - “For sighing comes
to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come
upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.”
Of all the
stages of grief, this one lasts the longest. And as I said, there is a wide
range of behaviours and emotions that accompany it. I didn’t even mention
guilt. We can go through a whole list of “if onlys”. We can torment
ourselves endlessly with these - “if only I had made him quit smoking”; “if
only he hadn’t taken that trip…”; “if only I had insisted she work shorter
hours …” And then there are those “if onlys” about changing reality – “if
only I had loved her more …”; “if only we hadn’t moved …”; if only he
hadn’t retired…”
I think it is
especially helpful for us to remember at this stage to remember that not
only is Jesus Christ the reason for our hope but that He is the one who
truly understands. Do you know how Isaiah 53:3 describes the one sent from
God? You may know it in the King James Version: “He was a man of sorrows
acquainted with grief.” In the NIV it says “He was familiar with
suffering.” There is great comfort in knowing that we are not alone as
we go through the grief process. The great God of the universe is one who is
acquainted with grief. So we need not fear to bring to Him our anger and
our guilt and our “if onlys”, knowing that God is one who understands,
listens carefully and seeks to bring healing into our lives.
So this second
stage is especially painful and for Job you need to go through a good
portion of the book before you come to the point where he seems to come out
of this stage.
It could be
suggested that Job stays in this stage so long because his so-called friends
who come to comfort him do such a lousy job that, instead of easing his
grief, they only serve to intensify it. So just before I go on to talk about
the last stage of Job’s grief, let me just give you some advice to respond
to others who go through grief:
As a
foundation we need to understand that when seeking to be a help to those who
mourn, we should focus on giving, not taking. The bereaved person
will need a lot of help and will not have much to give, so don’t go looking
to get something in return. You are looking to give, not take.
So what can we
give? First, give people permission to travel through the grief process.
We need to allow people to grieve in the church. We need to allow others to
cry, to weep, to ask questions, to be angry, to express pain.
Avoid stifling
other people’s grieving process. Avoid the attitude that basically says,
“Are you not over this yet?” or “Have you not moved on yet?”
When Christ
created the church it was His intention that it be a sharing community.
That we weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. Paul
writes, “Bear one another’s burdens.” We need to allow our brothers and
sisters who are grieving the space to grieve. And help them through the
process. Don’t be shocked when a recently bereaved husband breaks down in
tears when you ask him how he is doing. Give him a hug and let him know how
much you care.
Second give
your presence. One of the greatest gifts you can give to the bereaved
person is your presence – that means listening carefully. Allow the
bereaved person to vent, to go through their anger, to express their
questions about the goodness of God and all the rest. Don’t reprove them
for what they say or feel, but help them to voice their feelings and try to
understand them. And then after you have listened, listened, listened, take
your cue from what they say.
We so much
want to be of help and do something for the grieving – and that’s a good
sentiment, and sometimes what needs to be done is apparent and you can act
quickly to provide. But sometimes the grieving person needs you simply to
take time to listen, listen, listen.
Third, give
the grieving person your attention. This means asking God how you can
respond to a bereaved person. Ask him to show you the ways that are most
natural for you. He may say to you, “Take over a meal.” He may say, “Write
a note that says ‘I’m thinking of you and praying for you.’ ” He may say,
“Send flowers.” God may say, “Go cut their grass, or shovel their walk.”
Or he may tell you to write down a special memory you have of the
deceased.
Then ask
yourself, “What would I like done for me under these circumstances?”
Realize that people have different needs during the different phases of
grief.
Then ask the
mourner “What can I do for you?” If the bereaved needs to talk, then by
all means we should respond. If another wants quiet, we should be quiet
too, and not rush to fill the silence. Remember focus on giving, not
taking.
Fourth, avoid
giving words of wisdom. You know what these are. I always tell bereaved
families just before the visitation to expect people to say a lot of stupid
things. They will want to express their care and their love but they won’t
know how to say it and so they say stupid things. As bereaved we need to
practice grace.
But you can
help by avoiding giving words of wisdom.
“You will heal
in time.” That sounds wise and helpful, but it’s not. It’s glib and
superficial. As Leslie Weatherhead writes,
“Time only makes a young sinner into an old sinner, a young fool into an old
fool. A dislocated elbow not skillfully treated at the time will not be
cured by the passing of time. Rather the whole arm will become helpless. A
repressed fear will not be cured by time. It will be buried in the deep
mind only, perhaps, to break out in nervous breakdown at some time of
special strain. And sorrow, as we have seen, can become bitter resentment
which can poison both mind and body.”3
Time doesn’t necessarily heal.
Another trite
word that is often offered at funerals is, “I know just how you feel.” The
Canadian evangelist John Wesley worked for many years with the Billy Graham
Evangelistic Association, in the early 90s he lost his 36-year-old son in a
plane crash. He has written a very frank account of the first three months
of his grieving journey and perhaps of all the things that people said to
him, the least helpful was from a woman who came up to him and said, “I know
exactly how you feel. Two years ago, my grandmother in England died from
cancer at the age of eighty seven, and I know exactly how you feel.” 4
Even if your
experience is similar to the person you are talking to, you will never know
exactly how they feel. It is impossible - only the person and God knows how
the person truly feels.
Those are some
words of wisdom that are often given but fail to bring comfort. Even if
your words of wisdom are positive, like a verse of Scripture they may not be
accepted in a positive manner by those who are in the middle of trauma.
Perhaps what
is better than these words of wisdom is saying nothing. Well, I don’t mean
that completely. What I mean is don’t say anything until you have listened
carefully and developed a good rapport with the bereaved. As comforters we
should approach softly. Many times there is nothing to say except “I love
you, I’m praying for you and I’m here for you.” Being a caring presence and
a good listener is far better than any words that we may be able to offer.
Well, there is
one more stage to mention. It is often called aftershock and reorganization.5
During this phase the bereaved enters again into the stream of life.
But from Job’s experience this involves something very significant and I
pray that each of us will experience this as we travel with grief – and that
is an encounter with God. Starting in chapter 38, Job comes face to face
with the living God and in the midst of that he experiences healing for his
broken life and heart.
Job is given
two insights here - one about the past and one about the future.
In chapter 38,
39 and 40 God asks Job a series of questions and through these reminds Job
that all that he has lost, all that he was angry about losing, all that he
grieves for, was not actually his in the first place. They are gifts. They
were graciously given to him by God.
Look at Job
38:34 - “Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a
flood of water? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they
report to you, “Here we are? Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave
understanding to the mind? Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can
tip over the water jars of the heavens when the dust becomes hard and the
clods of earth stick together?”
Of course Job
has to respond, “No. I can’t do any of that. Only you can God. Only you
have endowed the heart with wisdom – all that I enjoy comes from your hand
as a gift.”
That’s a new
understanding for Job and one we must grasp as we face loss. It is the
realization that nothing really belongs to us – we do not have a right to
it. That realization may not ease your pain, but it does move you from
bitterness toward God to thankfulness that you were allowed to enjoy the
relationship, or the job, or the place, or the pet, or whatever it is that
you lost at all.
Job is also
given a fresh vision of the future. John Claypool suggests that this is the
greatest difference between the Christian experience of grief and the non
Christian experience of grief. In chapter 42 we see that Job comes to the
realization that God is not defeated by the events of the past. Job says,
“I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.”
Not only is
God not defeated by the past but is still capable of giving meaning to life
in the midst of pain and loss and sorrow. He has shown Job that He is in
control, that He still has a plan that even in the midst of sorrow, goodness
and mercy can follow us all the days of our lives.
In verse 5 and
6 we see Job repenting – “my ears had heard of you but now my eyes have
seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”
It means that
Job has a change of mind – from resentment to gratitude, from despair about
the future to hope. Then in the last verses Job is given twice as much as
before. This does not mean that Job gets all the same children back, or the
same wealth and possessions but what he does get back is a deepened and
enlarged vision of God in the midst of life, for gratitude, for sensitivity,
for trust.
My friends,
grief can harden our hearts against God. It can turn us against Him and His
goodness. Or it turn us toward Him so that we experience His presence and
hope and goodness in new and fresh ways. There’s nothing automatic about
it. We have to be willing. And if we are willing, then we will be more
aware of the hope that is ours in Christ, more grateful for the gifts we
have been given by our heavenly Father, and more trusting in God’s goodness
to lead us out of the valley of the shadow.
May that be the
experience of us all as we walk with God this week.
Copyright MBC and Tom Cullen - July 2006
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Leslie D. Weatherhead, The Key Next
Door, (Great Britain: Hodder and Stoughton, 1959), 49.
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I am indebted to the work of John
Claypool and his exposition of the book of Job in his book entitled
Tracks of a Fellow Struggler (Waco Texas: Word Books, 1974)
89-104.
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Ibid. 54
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John Wesley White, Of Wheels & Wings,
(Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1992) 20.
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For a fuller
explanation of the stages of grief see, The Courage to Grieve
by Judy Tatelbaum, Great Britain, Cedar Books.
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