Preached in Markham Baptist Church, June 17, 2007

LOVE, SEX AND MARRIAGE

I consider Mother’s Day and Father’s Day to be an opportunity to speak about the Christian home. On previous Father’s Days I have spoken about the spiritual role of the husband and the idea of headship. I have spoken of the role of parents in teaching their children spiritual truths. Today I want to talk about something that is rarely spoken of in the church and that is sex.

This of course is a shame because sex is a gift from God and Scripture celebrates it in the Song of Songs – that beautiful love poem – and teaches us about it throughout its pages. Sex is a good thing.

Now in the city of Corinth – well, it was a culture not unlike our own. It is a highly-sexed culture. The city had such a reputation for sexual immorality that their city name was synonymous with debauchery and sexual impurity. They could be the subject of that Monty Python skit I call holiday shots. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Going to Corinth for holiday shots, are you? Going to Corinthianize – know what I mean, know what I mean?

Corinth had a bad reputation – it was a culture not unlike our own. We too live in a highly-sexed culture – I don’t think it is a point I need to argue. The # 1 comedy in our nation right now is a comedy about sex – called Knocked Up. We use sex to sell everything from cars, to Dairy Queen ice cream. Their latest commercial has a man dressed as a cone and a woman as ice cream, the man has a can of whipped cream. We are a highly-sexed culture.

And in chapters 5, 6 and 7 of his first letter to the Corinthians, Paul speaks about a godly approach to sex. Chapter 5 addresses immorality in the church.

In chapter 6 he addresses one of two prominent ideas about sex at that time. And that was the idea that basically said “Go for it”. It’s an Animal House, American Pie attitude toward sex. Go for it as often as you can with many as you can. People who argued this way said, “We are sexual beings and Christ in His grace has set us free – so everything is permissible.”

At 6:12 Paul acknowledges this idea and says, but wait a minute - just because everything is permissible, doesn’t mean everything is spiritually appropriate.

He says, I want you to remember two things. First, remember that sex is so much more than 2 sweaty bodies colliding – it’s a spiritual mystery where 2 people become one. And since we want to be like our Lord Jesus Christ don’t pursue sex that avoids commitment and intimacy. That only leaves us more lonely then ever – with that kind of sex, two never become one.

And he says at verse 18 that there is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies. These bodies are invested with the same dignity as Jesus Christ’s raised body. You wouldn’t take Jesus Christ to visit a prostitute would you? We say, “Well no.”

Good, so don’t do that to your body. Remember the dignity God has invested in you.

And besides that, secondly, says Paul, your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Your body is a sacred place. You’ve got to remember that as you follow this “Just go for it” attitude toward sex. Don’t squander what God has paid such a high price for. God owns the whole of you – your spirit and your body so let people see God in and through your body.

So that’s one view Paul refutes. Then the text continues at 7:1 – where we begin in earnest – and he says – “Now having said that, let me address the questions you wrote to me about.”

It’s as if Paul has got a stack of letters in front of him – it’s kind of like viewer mail – and he opens the first one.

Dear Paul: I understand that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit – so should I abstain from sex altogether? Will I be more spiritual by doing this? Signed, In a Quandry in Corinth.

Now this represents the second view of sex – one was, “Go for it” this other is “Run away from it”.

And Paul puts down the letter and says, “Dear Quandry, Good question. I would say ‘yes.’ ”

Look what he says in verse 1 “It is well for a man not to touch a woman.” Or in the NIV -“It is good for a man not to marry.” Not to touch a woman is a euphemism for not to marry.

We know this is Paul’s state. He tells us he’s unmarried in verse 8. “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain unmarried as I am.” He says singleness is a gift to be celebrated.

Why does he think it’s a good thing to be unmarried? He tells us in verses 32-35: “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; but the married man is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried woman and the virgin are anxious about the affairs of the Lord so that they may be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please her husband.”

Paul is just stating the facts – an unmarried person doesn’t have to care for a spouse and a family – and is free to give that time and energy to the work of the Lord. He is saying it is a good thing to be single because single people can give so much more of themselves to the work of the Lord.

Now, I hope those of you who are single hear that – because you often hear a different message from the church. I know sometimes you are made to feel like a second-class citizen in the kingdom of God because you aren’t married. There are some theologians who will tell you that you are not complete. But that’s a load of hooey. Scripture clearly says that singleness is a gift to be celebrated; you have a great deal to offer to God and His church if you are single. You should be dreaming, as many of you are, how your freedom can be used for the cause of Christ.

This also flies in the face of the cultural reason for being single. Society says be single so you can live for yourself. “Be free from the ol’ball and chain. Have as many sexual partners as you like and do what you please.”

Scripture says, No, be single so that you be a slave to Jesus Christ. Give yourself fully to God.

Now turn back to verse 1. If we were to stop there we would think that Paul was anti-marriage. We would think he was responsible for the saying, “Marriage is not a word but a sentence – a life sentence.”

Or we may think Paul wrote these words of insight – “Marriage requires a man to prepare four types of rings – an engagement ring, a wedding ring, suffering, and enduring!”

But that’s not Paul’s view of marriage. Paul’s view of marriage is expressed in Ephesians 5 – where he compares marriage to diamonds? No. Does he compare marriage to precious gems or gold? No! Nothing so mundane as that – he compares marriage to the Church – Christ’s creation – the apple of God’s eye - the church for which Christ died. The Church which He will present to Himself without spot or wrinkle – holy and without blemish – on that great day when He comes again – His bride. That’s Paul’s view of marriage - it is that high and majestic and wonderful.

Well, it seems like he has a low view of marriage here, and what we have to remember here is that Paul is not talking about marriage here – he’s talking about sex. And that changes how you think about this passage.

Paul continues – remember he is answering the question – Should I abstain from sex altogether? And Paul says in verse 1 – Yes – and in verse 2 he says – No.

“But because of cases of sexual immorality each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”

He says the same thing in verse 8 and 9 – he says to those who were once married but because their spouse has died now find themselves single – “To the unmarried and the widows I say that is well for them to remain unmarried as I am. But if they are not practicing self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion.”

He is saying in both of these cases – if you have the gift of being single then wonderful be single – but be sure you are chaste, that is do not have sex. If you cannot do that then get married and experience the gift of being married.

And from verse 2 on, he say 3 things about sex that we need to understand.

First sex is to happen within the marriage relationship. Now let me state this for you – because many Christians are becoming unclear about this – but let me state plainly for you – sex outside of marriage is a sin. Sex before marriage is a sin. It is wrong.

But you may object say, “Pastor don’t be silly, get with the times. If two people truly love one another and are intimate with one another on all levels there is nothing wrong with them having sex.” Or another will say, “If a couple has a verbal agreement before marriage they can have sex – their going to get married anyway.”

And I ask, where do you find that in Scripture? Who told you that? It is a lie that Satan has got our culture to believe. We are followers of the Word and what does the Word say?

Paul is saying in verse 2, “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.” (The Message)

Scripture says if your sexual desire is strong then get married. Pre-marital intercourse for engaged couples is not a Christian option.

You see the problem is that we have pulled sex down. Watch any comedian and there’s always jokes about sex. Watch most comedic movies and its about sex. American Pie, 40 year old Virgin, Knocked Up. So there is this philosophy of “Do it with anyone, anywhere.” People are depicted like rutting animals.

And God’s Word says no, no, no. Human beings have been invested with dignity, we have been created a little lower than angels. And sex is this beautiful gift from God – designed by God, created by God, given by God, and therefore it needs to be protected. It needs to occur within the covenant relationship of marriage. Paul is saying don’t squander God’s good gift but cherish it and celebrate it within the marriage relationship – a woman with her husband and a husband with his wife.

Sex outside of marriage is not an option for a follower of Christ. Understand that if you have had sex outside of marriage that you need to recognize it as a sin, you need to confess it to God and ask for his forgiveness. Then understand that God will forgive you. The blood of Jesus is able to purify us from every sin.

So first, sex is to happen within the marriage relationship – and notice too that Paul is not saying that sex should be a major reason for getting married. “I can’t keep my hands off of women so I need to get married.” No, no, no, that’s a poor reason to get married and besides that not what Paul is saying – it is that in a sex-charged society marriage is an appropriate God given answer. Sex is to happen within the marriage relationship.

Next we learn that sex is to be pleasurable. Verse 3: “The husband should give his wife her conjugal rights and likewise the wife to her husband.” The NIV reads, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and like wise the wife to her husband.”

Sex is to give pleasure.

There are some who say that sex is only for procreation. Sex was given for the continuing the human race. And that is true but God designed it with much more in mind – He designed it for our pleasure. It is the highest form of physical ecstasy. It’s a wonderful gift from God. He created our bodies to be sensitive to human touch. He connected my ear drum to my spine so that when Janet whispers in my ear I get all tingly. Sex is to give pleasure.

Now the picture that comes to mind with that word “duty” is that sex is a chore, an obligation to endure rather than an experience to cherish, enjoy and celebrate. But that word “duty” in New Testament times was not seen as a chore, it did not carry with it the idea of drudgery and sacrificial obligation. It refers rather to something that is an honour, a joy to do.

Sex is to give pleasure.

So some of you may say, “You don’t need to tell me that! I know sex is to be pleasurable and is for pleasure. You’re stating the obvious!”

But there is something that is very important here – and this is the third lesson - sex is not only for the marriage relationship – not only is it to be pleasurable – but it is to give pleasure. It is to be a mutual experience of pleasure.

You see, there are some who take verse 3 and say that it is the husband’s right to demand that his wife satisfy him and so the wife must be martyr-like – because sex is for pleasure and she has to do this – but read verse 4: “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

You see this is crucial when we speak of sex in the marriage relationship. We are to meet one another’s needs sexually. In other words sex in marriage is a gift you are to offer to each other freely. It is not a selfish, self-centred act where you get pleasure – it is for you to give pleasure.

This is basic Christianity. Jesus said die to self. Those who attempt to hang on to life will lose it. But those who lose their life for Jesus’ sake will find it. (Matthew 16:25). “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies it bears much fruit.” (John 12:24)

That’s basic Christianity – die to self and this applies not just to spiritual matters, or financial matters or church matters – it applies to all of life – it applies to our sexual relationship with our spouse.

So sex was designed to meet the needs of your spouse. Not your needs but the needs of your spouse.

I have said that sex is a gift from God. I would go further and say that sex reflects God Himself. As husband and wife give of themselves and are intimate with one another we are reflecting a special beauty of God. The oneness of the Trinity, the giving nature of God in Jesus Christ. You see Sex is not dirty, nor is it base. It’s a beautiful gift that reflects the very self giving, unified nature of God Himself. We need to elevate our whole idea of what sex is. And as I say, that’s why it has to be cherished and protected within a marriage relationship.

So some very practical things follow from this.

Paul says in verse 5 – “Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

What is Paul saying? He says have sex. “Don’t deprive one another.” Practically speaking, make time for it. Some of you are too busy to even have sex. Can I put it kindly? You are crazy! You’re working so hard, you’re doing so much so that at the end of the day you fall into bed and lay beside the person who before you were married, your body just ached to be with – and now you just drop right off to sleep. And on weekends you don’t have time for snuggling. Scripture says, “Don’t deprive one another” make time for it. Have sex. I’m not being silly, it’s a beautiful gift from God, given to you. Enjoy it.

The verse continues, “Don’t deprive one another except perhaps by agreement.”

So that tells us – very practically that we are to talk about sex with our spouse. Gary Smalley, a Christian marriage counsellor says that the two least talked about areas of marriage are death and sex. Go home and talk to your spouse about sex. Find out how you can give her pleasure, give him pleasure. It may be simple – A couple of years ago Janet said to me – would you mind using mouthwash? It’s a simple thing – but to have a healthy physical relationship a couple needs to talk about it and share their likes, dislikes, expectations and frustrations.

And if your wife raises the issue, husbands don’t walk away, this is serious. And don’t make dumb jokes. Listen to one another carefully and hear what the other has to say. Talk, talk , talk and listen, listen, listen, listen.

And husbands learn the art of romance. By romance I mean the art of showing and telling your wife that she is the most precious person in your life. If you don’t know what your wife finds romantic then ask her, she’ll tell you. Being Romantic means a weekend away without the kids. If you need a weekend away and can’t afford one – lots of people have cottages in this congregation we would be willing to let you have for a weekend. Being romantic means nostalgic visits to your favourite spots during your dating days. It means flowers and gifts and notes when it’s not her birthday. But most of all it means telling her you love her and holding her tenderly when you come home from work.

And can I say, don’t try to live up the ideal. We read the romance novels and we watch the movies and we say, “O wow, that’s is so wonderful and fulfilling dramatic! The George Clooney just melts me. Romance in the movies is so smooth - how come we are so clumsy and awkward? Why isn’t the singing, zinging thing happening to us like it does to people in the movies?”

Because the movies aren’t real. Cops and robbers aren’t using real bullets it’s all a stage set up. Your love life is the real thing and when it is pursued with tenderness and love it will provide you with infinitely better pleasure and intimacy than any manufactured fantasy.¹

That verse continues. Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement – there might be a reason not to have sex that you BOTH agree on – “for a set time,” what kind of reason? “to devote yourselves to prayer.” There may be something that you both agree needs a great deal of prayer and you are going to devote yourself to that cause – but notice, “and then come together again.” Be apart, that’s fine, but then come together again and have sex.

Don’t do that for too long. Why? “So that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

Let’s be clear. Satan does not create sexual desire. God created sexual desire. It’s not sinful to feel sexual desire. But understand Satan seeks to take what God has created as beautiful and mar it, disfigure it, destroy it. And Scripture says, don’t give Satan that chance.

We can draw this to a conclusion with verse 6 and 7. “This is say by way of concession, not of command.

Some people get the sense that Paul thought that marriage was second class in the kingdom of God. That’s not what he is saying. He continues in verse 7 – while I wish you all could be like me – so you could give more time to the Lord – But each has a particular gift – singleness for some is a gift – one having one kind and another a different kind – and marriage is a gift.

Hear this – singleness is a gift from God – it is a means by which you are able to serve God in ways that married folks cannot. I said that marriage reflects the character of God – I believe singleness also reflects God. Like married couples you are called to die to self. This is what Paul is calling single people to. I mean, let’s be honest just because you are single doesn’t mean you don’t have sexual urges. That part of you didn’t die. But like married couples who are called to die to self, so you too are called to die to self and live fully for God.

Both states are a gift from God. Both have tensions don’t they – for the single there is the tension of serving God but not having the intimate relationship with another. For the married person there is the tension of serving God and keeping that intimate relationship healthy. That’s what Scripture says.

But they both remain a gift none the less and in both we are called to die to self and live fully in obedience to God’s Word.

Whatever gift God has given to you – may you see it as precious, may you cherish it and may you glorify God in it and through it.

Amen.

ENDNOTE:

Frank Minirth, Realistic Love, (Nashville, Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1993), 111.